IDEASMILLIONDOLLAR

IMD Humor by Kevin Salveson, pg. 2

 

Below, find IMD's email template for reaching out to celebrites and getting them to bump you up to first class where the air is pure and canapes levitate before you almost all the time as if by magic.

 

Amazingly, I'm giving it away free today here on the IMD site. Just cut and paste!

 

 In fact, this is the actual email I sent Larry and his manager and PR person at the same time! All you have to do is change the name of the High School I used.  

 

Well, also change the name of the grandmother's house and person you're betraying as the 'security risk' scapegoat, as well as the "best buddy name". In fact, change just about all of it, probably. Get creative! Remember, this all about the new you! 

 

Now, remember that the best buddy name is dropped to disarm them and make them wonder if you arent somehow some insider everyone else knows which they just hadn't met yet, even as you're claiming you're not (which is the ultimate show that you are!) Ta-da! (Or other such fanfare).

 

IMD CELEBRITY EMAIL TEMPLATE #1

 

From:

Kevin Salveson

to larrywilmore, eXX.kXX, LXX.KXXX, CXX.MXXX,

bcc: larry, bcc: larry.wilmore  bcc: etc etc etc

 

Hi Larry and CC,

 

We are both fellow ________, having both graduated from _______, but it's not all about reminiscing over a cold Orbitz that I contact you.  Nor is it about me being friends with Cindy Berger (I'm not).

 

Fact is, I'm interested in writing for your show or becoming a valued member of your staff.

Right off, you're probably saying "amuse me, immediately, and I may deign to consider it."  

 

I get it. (And I'm impressed by your use of the word "deign"). Writers are supposed to be able to reinvent the wheel first before they get a job offer and then when 'the deciders' don't make an offer the HR department still gets the free wheel, right?  Nice! 

 

Well, I'm just so desperate that I will in fact throw a lot of jokes down this rathole (jokes I spent hours, nay, a lifetime putting together, others which just came to me from the vast repository of irreverence I have in reserve ready to jettison off the top of my head) just so that I don't displease your eminence.

 

So here, Jesus, take my wheel:

http://www.ideasmilliondollar.com/#!humorwork--so-they-want-me-to-reinvent-/co3s

 

Well, Ok. As you probably guessed, I'm just a cranky old white guy at this point. I was funny until the world beat me down and I squirted the last of my funny all over the sidewalk like a melted popsicle during the financial crisis of 2009. 

 

Still, I figure that in the interest of having someone on staff who can verify and represent everything that's bad about people like me, you'd throw me a bone and validate me in front of my wife and kids by offering me a position.

 

In the interest of titillation, keep in mind I'm almost connected with you in so many ways, and connections are what its all about.... Such that your are probably just about obligated to take me on. 

 

Reason being: my grandmother used to live in ______!  But they sold the house to some Asians, as you might expect.  Still, my wife is Asian so I can make as many jokes at Asian people's expense as I like (or so I told her I was going to tell you).  One good thing is I'm sure in the legal system spouses can't sue each other, so that works to kinda shield me if I go too far, right?

 

Sure, I've been privledged my whole life. On the flip-side, I never worked at Second City, so I guess it all evens out.

 

Anyway, I could be that guy around your office who takes offhand abuse and doesn't mind; I could even be your Pancho Sanchez (though I am not Latino, I will don a serape if you want me to even if its rainbow colored) while you tilt at the wind-bags.  I could be an actual bus-boy to the producers at Busboy, perhaps.  Right?  The jokes write themselves.

 

Well, you and I both know (though I know in my heart, and I think you just suspect it based on what I've already told you) that I could prattle on all day about how awesome I used to be.

 

But the fact is this email message and all its blood sweat and fears will just be discarded anyway and you'll never even get the chance to feel better about yourself after reading how pathetic I am, so I'm just going to stop here and beg.

 

I beg you, give my life meaning and purpose. That is, I want to help you tear the world a new asshole, and I love your work. So I dunno, I bet I could be a new and decent addition to your staff despite the fact that I'm just a straight-shootin son of a gun who can't shoot straight.  Whaddya say?

 

If the answer is no, at least have the courtesy of replying with the word "no" to this email so I won't harbor resentment toward Obama and America. Cool? Thanks, look forward to your reply. 

 

P.S. I might repost this letter on my website just bc I never waste a bit of my productivity, but I'll redact the email addresses which were shamefully easy to find on N__ K___'s website.  Thanks again, look forward to your reply.

 

Sincerely, Kevin Salveson"

 

 

Now, the proof is in the pudding.  In this case, my extremely vanilla pudding.

 

But guess what!?  It works!  Here is the response I received from the Larry Wilmore organization:

 

On Thu, Jul 30, 2015 at 11:04 AM, XXXXXXX@thelarrywilmore.com <XXXXXX@thelarrywilmore.com> wrote:

Kevin,

 

Thanks for the inquiry, but at the moment the show isn’t accepting any writer submissions. Doesn’t mean there will never be a chance, check back this fall and perhaps I’ll have better news.

 

TXXX

Webmistress

www.thelarrywilmore.com

 

 

See!  Larry and crew didn't in fact blow me off as much as I thought they would!   Sweet sweet victory IS MINE!!!  (Note to intern: picture of kid with clenched fist of success goes here).  

 

And you thought all my claims of guaranteed success were just marketing hype because I use so many exclamation points! Let me tell you, this is no small victory for me. Usually they don't reply at all!

 

Ok, I knoiw you now must hoping I will get the job in the Fall. (Thanks for your warm wishes). :)

 

So... come visit our site daily or even twice a day and one of these days if you're good (and click enough for me to stay alive) I might just work up an update in terms of what happens next Fall when I probably get hired, Internet!!

 

Or, at least I promise you a CELEBRITY EMAIL TEMPLATE  #2!!

 

Until next time, keep your feet on the mound and keep pitching to the stars!

 

--Kevin Salveson, Feb 2016, in honor of black history month