IDEASMILLIONDOLLAR

IDEAS MILLION DOLLAR Humor by

Kevin Salveson

 

Ok, so you're out of college and out of work and thinking that you might be getting way more familiar with the start-up lifestyle ala Grey Matter on Breaking Bad than you like. One day you'll wear all beige and turtlenecks but for now it's ramen and potatoes and more deprivation than you thought you would ever have to endure after your parents paid all that money to get you that unprofitable investmet called a liberal arts degree.

 

Well, don't just sit there reading crap on the internet, dagnabbit, get motivated by one of those posters quoting Jack LaLane or Warner Herzog and whip up one of your special email word souffles for the folks! That'll do the trick! Do it now! That's my motto. But don't fire up your artisan small batch Wordstar software just yet! Because I haven't given you the two or three really valuable tips yet.  Just the tips of the tiips.

 

Consider the humble email. Entirely inexpensive, habitually checked by everyone, informal yet formal. Used especially by media bigwigs who have asked their assistants program ways for them to get sensational offers to parties on their digital devices which sit on the tables next to the people sitting tableside at Le Dome as we speak. Think of it... all of them so needy for love, so hungry for approbation from their diftal public in all shapes and forms! Sitting ducks!

 

So this is what you should do (after exploring more of the IDM): You should fire off an email to someone in power and have them fly you out to one of the coasts and then have them wine and dine you. You'll of course take the job only if they offer a generous relocation package. 

 

Feel better already? Things are going to start improving for you, I can just feel it!  But only if you keep clicking everything on my site, I assure you. That's a given.

 

And yet what is that shallow whimper coming from your mouth?  That horsey kind of defeat I hear you whinnying? All that could never happen to me, you might be saying. Sure, not with that attitude.  Yet... can't a man dare to dream?  Could it happen?  Could it?

 

Well, no, frankly. I'm glad you're finally growing up and getting realistic. But still, read on, friend! In this job market you'll need to be armed with our wits if you ever hope to succeed. And there's no license check for that!

 

First, and most important, find out who is rich and famous and came from the same High School that you did.  (I am assuming you went to high school.  If not, forget this piece and read my peice on how to make money in music these days by selling weed to your musician friends).

Because it is connections, ladies and gentle people, that grease the wheels of commerce. It is connections which offer to also put air in your tires and check your oils.

 

Hopefully you can come up with someone you wouldn't mind working with.  Or, if they are known to be a complete asshole, at least make sure they are powerful because when you quit on them you'll be ready to write that tell-all book!

 

Now, after pinpointing your prey, send them an email.  Viola!  And Violin!  Well, not just any email, you dolt.  I can see why you never get anywhere on your own without someone holding your hand.  

 

See, the secret is not just sending an email. Tthe often missed point of it all is to find out how to access the person you want to reach like a ninja before you send anything.  Because if you send the email to their Publicist or their twitter it's going to be flushed away in five seconds.  

 

Your email must be as a message in the night which  slips past their defenses and penetrates their fortress, a shadow among shadows until it is whispering its sweet sooth in their half dazed ears, a narcotic balm to their fears.